Imaginary conversation

I wanted so much to talk to him so that I can ask him what are his views. Yet deep inside, I think I already know what he'll say. It'll probably go something like this:

Him: How are you?
Me: Hi, I'm ok :) Btw, wanted to ask you something
H: Ya?
M: Have you been to [country A] before?
H: Nope. Are you going there?
M: Hmm...my company has an overseas posting to [country A]. Wondering if I should apply.
H: Oh, apply la...
M: Really? You think I should try.
H: Yeah, if I were you, I would too. Good experience...
M: It's a 3-year posting...
H: Ic. You're afraid you won't like it there?
M: You idiot! Don't you know how much I'll miss you? Would you miss me too? Probably not, cos I'm nothing more but a friend to you. (Haha...I probably won't tell him this)
M: Well, it's rather far away after all and 3 year isn't exactly very short
H: That's true, think about it first then.

The truth is, if you ask me to stay, I would. But I know you won't. Just like I know you won't miss me.

Just 2 days ago, I wrote about how I wished I can get away from everything here. Then this morning, I saw an email for an overseas posting. Is this the answer? Should I really go? Ha, why don't my other wish come true? I don't see any marriage proposal dropping my way. Mummy isn't supportive. But I don't really want to listen to her anymore. The last time I listened to her turned out to be the biggest regret of my life! If I had not listened to her, perhaps Mama will still be alive now. And I won't even think of going anywhere. Now, everything is too late. She asked me why I want to go. The correct question should be: why would I want to stay here?

I never thought I could miss you so much. Yet a part of me just wants to get away from everything here.  Perhaps I can finally forget you if I'm further away. I wonder, if you'll ever miss me.

Heart

My heart is not listening to my head anymore. It's refusing to listen to reason. Just refusing to face facts. It becomes so sad when my head says to give up. Why is my heart feeling this way? What have you done to it?

Letter no. 1

Listening to the radio now, and I can't sleep. The radio's playing Masterpiece. It reminded me of how you'd sent me the song many years ago, and I wish that one day you'd sing that song to me. Come to think of it, I realised we've known each other for almost 10 years now. Almost a third of my life, and I've never been more sure of my feelings for you than now. But I know you'll never feel anything for me. Not five years ago. Not now. But that doesn't change what I feel towards you.

I've given up trying to forget you. Perhaps one day I can finally let go. Perhaps one day I will wake up and realise that I don't feel anything for you anymore.  Perhaps that one day will be tomorrow, next week, next month, or perhaps never. I don't know, just like I don't know how to stop loving you.

I don't think you'll ever read this, but if you do happen to chance upon this entry, please do not feel bad for me. I've made my own choice because I chose to love you. I just don't know how to unlove. And I've never once regretted it, even if it hurts so much now. Knowing you has been one of the best things that have happened in my life. Some things are just not meant to be I know.

If you are reading this entry now, please remember to pray for me. I've always been praying for you :).

25 ways

http://lovinglifeathome.com/2012/08/06/25-ways-to-communicate-respect/

Wonder when I'll get a chance to put this into practice...

Separate Lives

You have no right to ask me how I feel
You have no right to speak to me so kind
We can't go on just holding on to time
Now that we're living separate lives

Just get out of my life...please...