I want...

to make love to you, at a beach, as the sun is setting...

My Desires

Was reading a book and the suggestion was to write down my dreams and desires. So here goes.

1. I want to be married to a man
2. I want to have children
3. I want to have a place of my own with my husband
4. I want to be able to dance well
5. I want to learn the Japanese language
6. I want to go to Japan regularly for missions
7. I want to cook well for my family
8. I want my husband to enjoy me and my body
9. I wish for a man to give me flowers
10. I want to pass my driving test
11. I want to visit Kita Yamazaki with my husband
12. I wan to visit Israel

2nd day on Daniel Fast

It's just the 2nd day of doing the Daniel Fast, and I'm already finding it to be so difficult! Looks like this is going to be harder than it seems. Suddenly, food that didn't used to entice me before seemed so delicious now! Perhaps it's because forbidden fruit tastes sweeter? What that I can't get appeared to be more attractive I guess. 

The main purpose of doing this fast was to grow closer to God, but I supposed in the midst of it, I'm discovering more about myself as well. I'm so used to being able to eat what I want that when I'm not able to do so, I'm not sure how to handle it. Still, deep inside, I know that He who lives in me is stronger than that which is in the world. 

Honestly, I'm not even sure if I can't make it through these 40 days. May God help me! Haha...

Imaginary conversation

I wanted so much to talk to him so that I can ask him what are his views. Yet deep inside, I think I already know what he'll say. It'll probably go something like this:

Him: How are you?
Me: Hi, I'm ok :) Btw, wanted to ask you something
H: Ya?
M: Have you been to [country A] before?
H: Nope. Are you going there?
M: Hmm...my company has an overseas posting to [country A]. Wondering if I should apply.
H: Oh, apply la...
M: Really? You think I should try.
H: Yeah, if I were you, I would too. Good experience...
M: It's a 3-year posting...
H: Ic. You're afraid you won't like it there?
M: You idiot! Don't you know how much I'll miss you? Would you miss me too? Probably not, cos I'm nothing more but a friend to you. (Haha...I probably won't tell him this)
M: Well, it's rather far away after all and 3 year isn't exactly very short
H: That's true, think about it first then.

The truth is, if you ask me to stay, I would. But I know you won't. Just like I know you won't miss me.

Just 2 days ago, I wrote about how I wished I can get away from everything here. Then this morning, I saw an email for an overseas posting. Is this the answer? Should I really go? Ha, why don't my other wish come true? I don't see any marriage proposal dropping my way. Mummy isn't supportive. But I don't really want to listen to her anymore. The last time I listened to her turned out to be the biggest regret of my life! If I had not listened to her, perhaps Mama will still be alive now. And I won't even think of going anywhere. Now, everything is too late. She asked me why I want to go. The correct question should be: why would I want to stay here?

I never thought I could miss you so much. Yet a part of me just wants to get away from everything here.  Perhaps I can finally forget you if I'm further away. I wonder, if you'll ever miss me.

Heart

My heart is not listening to my head anymore. It's refusing to listen to reason. Just refusing to face facts. It becomes so sad when my head says to give up. Why is my heart feeling this way? What have you done to it?